17 Things That Waste Your Time
1. Eating challenges Sitting down to a 48-ounce steak is a suicide pact, not a doubledog dare. You really don’t want to find out which of your buddies still somewhat remembers the Heimlich.
2. The wrong woman Putting up with someone because she has sex with you is like hurting yourself because they hand out cookies at the ER. And the cookies aren’t even that good.
3. Suffering Denial and stoicism are for Chicago Cubs fans. If something hurts, have it fixed.
4. The “comments” section of any blog When people chat anonymously online, they say things they’d never otherwise stand behind. You don’t stop to talk to a bile-spewing idiot on the street, so why now?
5. The woman in this week’s tabloids Whoever she is, she’s the wrong woman for all of us.
6. A third round of shots Hey, a nice mutual slug of tequila among friends is terrific for celebrating just about anything. But someone buying you multiple, unsolicited shots isn’t being kind. He’s trying to hurt you.
7. And while we’re at it, hangovers A woman we know smiles when she calls her husband a “professional drinker.” Which means he has the drink but never gets drunk. He’s never had a hangover. Never bought Visine. And never lost a promotion. It’s about responsibility.
8. Drama Save it for your mama. Wait, save it for nobody. Talking heads and reality TV train us to pick fights with everyone about everything, but that solves nothing. A real man should never wonder, “What would Bill O’Reilly do?”
9. Bad remakes Think hard before you buy tickets. The new Dawn of the Dead gave us Sarah Polley drenched in blood, which is hot. The new Pink Panther gave us The Pink Panther 2, and that needs to stop.
10. Traffic Adjusting your schedule even by a little can mean a shorter commute and less gas lost by idling. Which do you want more: that hour of sleep in the morning, or a cure for road rage?
11. Dragged out engagements What, are you waiting for Elisha Cuthbert? Set the damn date.
12. The family bully Love is a mirage manufactured by guilt. You wouldn’t take this crap from a stranger, so you should be even less likely to take it from someone who “loves” you.
13. Low-def TV Flat-screens have plummeted in price, and by God, The Dark Knight in high-def is a life changer.
14. Political arguments Are you willing to lose a friend because he favors a different tax policy? Intelligent debate is good, but know that some people won’t change their minds–and it’s easy to lose respect for a guy who won’t stop pushing. Stick with Cowboys vs. Eagles. Nobody wins, but nobody cares.
15. Meetings Even the lowest-ranked guy can expedite these time-sucks. Ask the question that needs to be asked, not the one only you care about, and let’s all go back to making things happen.
16. Any new novel from Thomas Harris that has Hannibal in the title.
17. Waiting for rewards Never stand there with your hand out like Scott Boras under a slot machine. If your boss can’t do the right thing after you’ve delivered the goods, find a boss who will.